KOA stands for, irritatingly, a perhaps intentially-mispelled Campgrounds of America, and apparently at one time was a force among RV Campgrounds, and still might be if you still habitually harbor the small, young, loud and unwashed, and by this I don’t mean you…you are certainly no longer young…but it does include your children, or at least your grandchildren, or in fact anyone’s grandchildren except mine who are better in every way than yours.
Anyway those of us who are crotchety older full-timers, and here I do refer to you or at least the people we prefer to hang with (“hang with” being a younger person’s phrase typically but among geezers still appropriate while taking on a whole new and admittedly unfortunate connotation) dislike KOAs because they are loud and always have some organized activity going on that we wouldn’t participate in if it meant the return to health of our 401Ks. OK, that last is an exaggeration; if it meant money we WOULD participate, but it never does and so we don’t. Speaking of money, KOAs are also amazingly expensive and we always feel that we aren’t getting value as we don’t participate, this becoming something of a Catch-22 for those few of us who are driven by logic, but excluding Irene the rest of us aren’t so we only recognize overt high prices, coupled with the fact that they, more than almost any other campground chain, will raise their prices tremendously during peak seasons, and since those seasons define as “That period of time when Irene and AJ are nearby”, we always wind up paying more for what we perceive as less….and having just come from the Tiffin factory and several dog hospitals, where, disregarding the fact that in both cases we were getting something we wanted out of it, people lined up starting at dawn to get what’s left of our money…yes, disregarding this, or perhaps in spite of it or because of it we have none to spare.
This lengthy preamble, of course, only forcasts the obvious….that I’m writing these golden sentences from the comfort of our coach parked reasonably comfortably inside…wait for it….the Lexington, VA., KOA. Why? Because it’s the only place in town that’s worth a damn, the profanity becoming obviously appropriate in just a moment if you’d please wait. I swear you have the patience of a ferret.
Anyway, the last two days we’ve been driving, driving, driving…up at dawn, animals fed, animals walked, throw ‘em into the coach, roll up the sewer hose, unhook power, hook up toad, check for road kill, toss into coach for later Zone-favorable meal (mostly just kidding), head out, rawhide (stirring music and lowing cattle in background)… up from Alabama through Georgia, down the road across South Carolina, up through North Carolina, across a tiny piece of Tennessee and into Virginia, it’s all good, nice roads, blue mountains, lush meadows everywhere, nice stuff, but it’s a long way and we switch Sirius channels endlessly, going from PBS to Bloomberg to CNN to FOX and back again. Way too much time, way too much talk, too much nonsense passing for news….too many issues by far, and certainly too few solutions. It’s clear that the forces of darkness are fast approaching and I doubt that even Obama will be able to turn the tide. It’s a bad day in Black Rock when the best I can look forward to is that I won’t be here long enough to worry about it, a bad day made worse by Irene’s struggle, as we drive, to find suitable campgrounds where we can overnight and also hopefully go see something in the few daylight hours she allows me.
Generally, when it comes to approaches for considering this particular problem of where to overnight, I prefer worry. Worry is easy; it’s something of a way of life for me. In fact it’s always been so for me, and as much as I’d like to believe that somehow time will magically change this, a condition like this that’s successfully fought off the miracles of multiple talk therapies, anti-anxiety diets, lung-busting exercise regimenes, mucho Internet research, a library of books, an almost-infinite number of most-prescription drugs and near-endless whining, well, it probably won’t. But as I worry I’m reminded of the paranoid’s lament…”Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t trying to get me!”. Likewise, just because I’m certifiably neurotic doesn’t mean there isn’t anything I should worry about. Today alone I found the following worthy topics for extreme worry while driving:
1. In the far-right lane, how far to the right can I drive our big rig without hitting traffic signs or getting the back four wheels stuck in a rut or a ditch…either of which circumstances would most certainly result in the coach flipping onto its back like a huge, multi-colored turtle?
2. If I do flip the coach over, will my insurance pay? They’ve been wonderful to deal with thus far for stuff like answering questions, but I’ve never put in a claim. Insurance companies, I’ve heard, don’t like claims, seeing them as anti-profit.
3. If the insurance company doesn’t pay, I won’t be able to repair the coach. Will I then have to give up RVing? Where would we live? What would we live IN? Living in a cardboard box has always idled along beneath my seeming placid exterior, probably because it’s so close to my old fav., living on a park bench, covered with newspapers. A worrier’s aside; if we DID go for the cardboard box option, where would we find a box big enough for ourselves and our dogs?
Granted, the things I’m worry about here, while possibilities, are basically mental masturbation and not likely to come to pass, and as such eventually I would probably let them go. And when Irene announced that, like it or not, we were staying at a KOA outside Lexington and I could just shut my yap because she didn’t want to hear about it, I did as she requested but changed the focus of my worry instantly. After all, based on many experiences, I now had something more real to worry about. And my worry suddenly had more focus. It wasn’t whether or not we would be inundated with kids, it would be which group of kids…the mewling, pewling, toddlers or the skateboarders who would do jumps through our yard, nearly taking out poor Jake in the process? It wouldn’t be whether or not we would be subjected to unworldy amounts of noise at all hours, it would be where would it come from, and what, if anything, could we do about it? I’ve been known, at KOAs, to go visiting the neighbors in the early-morning hours when the drunks were in full throat. I’ve also been known to take Rocky the Girl-Dog with me, back in the day when her very appearance garnered respect…rest her good-natured soul, she never intended a minute’s harm to anyone but there were at least two groups that quieted instantly when she showed up. What would I do now? Could Jake put the fear into anybody? Could Spyro? Well, perhaps Spyro…now that his teeth are cleaned they gleam in a most ferocious way, so if anybody alive can be intimidated by a Cocker Spanial they certainly could be by Spyro if the light was just right.
Reality is always an slap in my worried face, presenting me as it does with totally unanticipated outcomes. In this case it was Karaoke. If I ever go to hell, which if it exists is probably a likely outcome given my sins, I will at least be joining my friends, as the Irish expression goes, and more to the point I’ll be used to the experience as karoake at the KOA will have showed me the way. Nobody in the camp could sing. None of them could carry a tune, even with the tune and the published words apparently trying to carry them. And, being directly downhill and under the swimming pool and stage areas, we were bombarded by the noise as if we were in the flight path of cargo jets. And, of course, the summertime hours had just gone into effect, meaning that the quiet times were diminished and didn’t start until 11 PM, which doesn’t sound late but when you are as old as I am it might as well be dawn, especially when you factor in that I must lay awake for at least an hour or two settling my mistakes of the day before the books are balanced and I can go to my restless sleep. Probably in an ideal world I would go to bed about 8 and get to sleep by 10 or so…in this case, starting after the noise finally backed down a bit meant that it was probably 2 AM or so when sleep finally arrived. When you are looking at traversing 50 miles of the Blue Ridge Parkway later today, a beautiful route unfortunately characterized by turns wrapping endlessly around each other, one leading into the next, it is good to have your wits about you, and, unfortunately for the motorcyclists and bicyclists and joggers and hikers who will be in the road up there, today I won’t and most of THEM will be lucky if they get through it alive.
Well, it could be worse for them. They could be sentenced to the KOA. And me? I’m gonna go find some coffee.